Down the Bridal Rabbit Hole

I apologise. When I first decided to keep this blog, I made a commitment (again) to actually write and post and I didn’t do it (again). I am not shocked by this, nor, are my followers – all two of them. It is not the first time that this has happened. To you, this here medium is called the internet. To me, it is the boulevard of broken memoirs. The graveyard of my writing dreams. The land that the Cosmo Blog Awards forgot. The only place left where people might actually buy into my melodramatic efforts at exaggeration. You get the picture.

On becoming engaged, I indulged in the usual excited bride-to-be behaviour. Very quickly my Facebook newsfeed became clogged with posts from every wedding blog and website I could find to follow. Love My Dress, Rock n Roll Bride, Style Me Pretty. You know exactly what I am talking about because if you are reading this then, chances are, you have probably done the same. Work becomes that thing that interferes with wedding planning. ‘Going out’ exists purely as an opportunity to update your friends – whether they want to hear it or not – and ‘staying in’ involves making lists and drinking copious amounts of gin. Ok, that part is just me and in my defence, I was celebrating said list-making skills.

The only bride that I have ever met that has not completely relished this opportunity to plan and spend money is my sister. I drew up her guest list, designed and sent her invites, planned and executed décor, ceremony, all arrangements. I even booked her honeymoon. She, in turn..attended. The thought of being so uninvolved in my own wedding is enough to create a Sarah-shaped hole in my living room wall. When the newly-engaged blush fades and the ‘likes’ on your new relationship status cease, what you are left with is one of the most all consuming events of your life. And that, you see, is why it has been eight months since my last post. I was sucked into the wedding vacuum, into the planning vortex like Alice down the rabbit hole. 

Life after planning.
Life after planning.

Emerging from this cloud, I find reality an adjustment in so many ways. Having also thrown a new house into the mix – a very rundown house in a new county where I know no one – I decided to complete the trifecta by leaving my job. I now work from home where conversation consists of asking a 10-month old labrador if she would like a kale and avocado smoothie for breakfast. Wedding planning over, here I am – newly married, newly Kentish and newly self-employed.

No longer a Grown Up Bride, now just a grown up.

Bridal Wave

Kind of like a natural disaster, ‘getting married’ was always something that happened to other people. Now here I am with thirty weeks and three days to go. I should be planning, organising, inviting, booking and budgeting.  Instead all I can do is sit here and wonder: “How did I get here? Are you sure? Is there a mistake?”

Still perplexed by the notion that someone loves me enough to want to marry me, I can’t quite get my act together.  You know when you wake up hung-to-the-over after a massive night (I promise I am a grown up) and you just faff, unable to produce any effective action.  You’re late for work, you need to shower, you need to dress, you need to let work know you are running late…again. Yet you are rooted to the ground unable to prioritise thoughts or actions. So you stay trapped in the Faff-Vortex:

Stay still
No! Move!
Tidy room
No, don’t be ridiculous! Get dressed!
Can’t get dressed

So, essentially, that is where my wedding planning currently stands. Not in the newly engaged, fairytale, vintage bliss of bridal magazines. But, rather, it is rooted firmly in the Faff-Vortex:

Book venue
No, buy invites
Read magazines
No! Book venue
Oooh! Look! Sparkles….

So, I have come up with an ingenious solution to my lack of focus. This.

I will write a blog. And in this blog I will hold myself accountable like a good grown-up bride. I will set myself tasks and share my successes on here. I will reach out to fellow brides and form a support network to reinforce my newly found focus.  And I will not, under any circumstances, use this blog as a distraction from my planning activities.

I will not use this blog as a distraction,
I will not use this blog as a distraction,
I will not use this blog as a distraction,
I will not use this blog as a distraction,
I will not use this blog as a distraction.